Pre-Planning Your Own Funeral: A Practical Guide
You've thought about your funeral. Maybe you attended one recently and watched the family scramble through decisions nobody had wanted to make. Maybe you're getting older. Maybe you just like to be prepared. Whatever the reason, you're ready to handle this yourself — while you still can.
This guide walks you through pre-planning your own funeral, step by step. You'll find the decisions to make, the documents to create, realistic costs, and advice on how to talk to your family about it without making anyone uncomfortable.
Why Pre-Plan at All
Pre-planning is a practical gift to the people you love. When you die, they'll be grieving. In the middle of that grief, they'll be making 60 to 100 decisions in 72 hours — about caskets, music, readings, burial plots, obituaries, food. Every decision you make now is one they don't have to make later.
Here's the thing: families almost never regret pre-planning. They regret the opposite. Funeral directors routinely hear "I wish Mom had told us what she wanted." Pre-planning removes that regret entirely.
The financial case is just as strong. Funeral costs rise every year. Locking in today's prices can save your family $3,000 to $10,000.
What "Pre-Planning" Actually Covers
Pre-planning can mean different things. At the basic level, it's just writing down what you want. At the most comprehensive level, it's pre-paying and arranging every detail with a funeral home.
Most people do something in between. A typical pre-plan includes:
- A written funeral wishes document
- A chosen funeral home
- Decisions about burial or cremation
- Selections for casket, urn, or final disposition
- Service preferences (religious or secular, venue, readings, music)
- A pre-written obituary
- Pallbearer and speaker preferences
- Financial arrangements (pre-paid or set aside)
You don't have to do all of this. Start where you're comfortable.
The Core Decisions
Here are the big questions pre-planning forces you to answer. Take your time with these. You can change your mind later — pre-plans are not legally binding unless you pre-pay.
Burial or Cremation
This is usually the first decision, and it drives everything else.
- Burial costs more ($7,000-$15,000 on average for a traditional burial with casket and plot).
- Cremation costs less ($1,500-$5,000 for a basic cremation, more with a service).
- Green burial is a growing option — no embalming, biodegradable casket, conservation cemetery.
- Aquamation (water cremation) and natural reduction are legal in a growing number of states.
Think about your environmental views, religious preferences, and what your family can afford.
Where the Service Will Be
- A church, synagogue, mosque, or other religious venue
- A funeral home chapel
- A community center or banquet hall
- A family home or backyard
- Graveside only (no separate service)
Some people pre-plan no service at all — direct cremation, ashes home, and a private gathering later.
Religious or Secular
If you're religious, specify your denomination and any traditions that matter to you. If you're not, say that directly. Family members with different beliefs may otherwise default to a religious service you didn't want.
Who Speaks and Reads
List the people you'd like to give a eulogy, read a passage, or share a memory. You can name alternates too, in case your first choices aren't available or aren't up to it.
What to Put in a Funeral Wishes Document
A funeral wishes document is the single most useful thing you can create. It's a one-to-three-page document that answers every question your family will have.
Include:
- Your preferred funeral home (name, city, contact)
- Burial or cremation (and your preferred cemetery or scattering location)
- Casket or urn preferences (style, price range, specific model if you've chosen one)
- Service type (religious, secular, celebration of life, private)
- Service location (venue name and address)
- Clothing (what you want to be dressed in or buried in)
- Readings or passages you want read
- Music you want played — include specific song titles and recordings
- People to speak (names, relationships, contact info)
- Pallbearers (names, relationships, contact info)
- Flowers or donation preference (specific charity if applicable)
- Obituary (pre-written, or key facts to include)
- People to notify (distant family, old friends, former colleagues)
- Anything to avoid (specific songs, readings, people, traditions)
Keep this document somewhere your family can find it — not only in a safe deposit box, which may be locked when they need it most. A labeled folder in your desk or filing cabinet works. So does a copy with your lawyer, adult children, or a trusted friend.
Writing Your Own Obituary
Pre-writing your own obituary is more common than you'd think. It's also genuinely helpful. Your family won't have to guess at job titles, dates, or how you want to be remembered.
A self-written obituary can take different forms:
Traditional
[Full name], of [city, state], died on [date] at age [age]. Born [date] in [city] to [parents], [name] graduated from [school] and worked for [employer] for [years]. [Name] is survived by [family]. [Name] loved [hobbies, passions]. A service will be held at [venue].
Personal
Ellen left the party on [date] at age 82. She was born in Chicago, raised four children, drove too fast her entire life, and made the best chicken soup in the neighborhood. She'd want you to know she loved you — all of you. Services will be at St. Mark's, but only if you stay for the reception. She hated funerals that ended without wine.
Either approach works. The second one sounds like a person. That's the point.
The Financial Side
Pre-paying is separate from pre-planning. You can plan without paying. If you do choose to pre-pay, there are three common methods.
Funeral Trust
You put money into a trust held by the funeral home or a third-party trustee. The money grows (usually modestly) and is used to pay for the funeral. Most states regulate these trusts to protect consumers.
Pros: Locks in today's prices. Money is protected even if the funeral home closes. Cons: Rules vary by state. Read the fine print about transferability if you move.
Funeral Insurance
A small life insurance policy designed specifically to pay for funeral expenses. Premiums are modest, and the payout goes directly to the funeral home or your family.
Pros: Can be transferred. Flexible. Cons: Monthly payments. Not all funeral homes accept all policies.
Set-Aside Savings
You label a savings account or CD as "for my funeral" and leave instructions. Simplest option.
Pros: Full control. No forms. Cons: Doesn't lock in prices. Inflation erodes the amount.
Before pre-paying any method, ask:
- Can the plan be transferred if I move to another state?
- What happens if the funeral home closes before I die?
- Can I change my preferences later?
- Is the money protected from creditors?
- What if my family wants something different than I planned?
How to Bring It Up With Family
The hardest part of pre-planning isn't making decisions. It's telling your family about them. Most people avoid the conversation because they don't want to upset anyone. But the conversation matters.
A few approaches that work:
- Tie it to a news story. "I read about someone pre-planning their funeral. I'd like to do the same."
- Tie it to paperwork. "I'm updating my will. While we're at it, let me tell you what I'd like for the service."
- Start with the document. "I wrote down what I want. Let me walk you through it."
- Make it practical. "I don't want you having to guess. Here's what I've decided."
Don't frame it as morbid. Frame it as loving. You're making their future easier, not yours.
What to Tell Whom
Not everyone needs every detail. A reasonable distribution:
- Spouse or partner: everything
- Adult children: everything, or at least one child designated as executor
- Lawyer: a copy of the document with the will
- Funeral home: everything related to the service
- Siblings and close friends: what they might be asked to do (speak, be a pallbearer)
Working With a Funeral Home
A good funeral home will walk you through pre-planning for free. Most offer a formal intake meeting where they record your wishes and, if you're pre-paying, lock in prices.
When choosing a funeral home:
- Visit two or three before deciding
- Ask for a general price list (required by federal law)
- Ask how long they've been in business and whether they're family-owned
- Ask what happens if they're acquired or close
- Ask about their pre-planning process and what happens if your family wants changes
The good news? You're not locked in by having a conversation. Meeting with a funeral home doesn't obligate you to use them or pay anything.
Common Pre-Planning Mistakes
A few patterns trip people up. Watch for these:
- Keeping the plan secret. If no one knows the plan exists, it might as well not.
- Storing it only in a safe deposit box. These are often frozen at death. Keep a copy in your home.
- Pre-paying without reading the contract. Some pre-paid plans are non-refundable and non-transferable. Read the contract.
- Assuming your family will remember your wishes. Write them down. Memory in grief is unreliable.
- Choosing based on what your family wants, not what you want. This is your funeral. Your preferences come first.
- Not updating the plan. Review it every 3-5 years and after major life changes.
A Pre-Planning Checklist
Run through this list. Check off what you've handled and come back to the rest.
- Burial or cremation decided
- Funeral home chosen (or two shortlisted)
- Service type decided (religious, secular, celebration of life)
- Casket, urn, or disposition method selected
- Service venue preferred
- Readings and music chosen
- Speakers and pallbearers identified
- Clothing preference noted
- Flowers or donation preference stated
- Obituary drafted
- Document saved in at least two places
- Spouse or adult child has a copy
- Financial arrangements made (or decision deferred intentionally)
- Funeral home informed (if pre-paying)
- Will and other legal documents updated
You don't have to finish all fifteen in a day. Work through them over a few weeks.
Frequently Asked Questions
How much does it cost to pre-plan a funeral?
A basic pre-planned funeral ranges from $3,000 to $12,000 depending on burial vs. cremation, casket choice, and venue. Pre-paying locks in today's prices, which typically rise 3-5% per year. A consultation to plan without pre-paying is usually free.
Is it morbid to pre-plan your own funeral?
No. Pre-planning is a practical gift to your family. It spares them from making difficult decisions during grief and often saves them thousands of dollars. Most funeral directors say families wish their loved ones had pre-planned.
Can I pre-pay for my funeral?
Yes, through a funeral trust, a funeral insurance policy, or directly with a funeral home. Each has different rules about transferability and what happens if the funeral home goes out of business. Ask about state protections before committing.
What should I write down about my funeral wishes?
Name your preferred funeral home, burial vs. cremation, service type (religious or secular), readings or music you want, people to speak, pallbearers, clothing, and any specific requests. Share the document with at least two family members.
Should I pre-write my own obituary?
Pre-writing your own obituary is increasingly common and genuinely helpful. Your family won't have to guess at your job history, accomplishments, or how you want to be remembered. Include it with your funeral wishes document.
Related Reading
If you'd like more help, these may be useful:
Ready to Write Your Eulogy?
Pre-planning is also a good moment to think about the eulogy. If there's someone you'd like to give it — a spouse, child, sibling, or close friend — it helps to tell them now, and to leave a few notes about what you'd want said.
If you'd like help writing a personalized eulogy for someone in your family, our service can create one based on your answers to a few simple questions. Start at eulogyexpert.com/form.